a poem from october

This past October was a busy one for Lady Jams benefit performances. A good pal of ours, fondly referred to as "band dad" put together a huge benefit evening to raise money to support the Austin Breast Cancer Resource Center, an organization that provides all manner of support to women and their families during breast cancer treatments.I had a number of long conversations with Travis leading up to the event, and eventually, he asked me if I would write a poem to read at the event. I tossed the idea around for a while and then sat down and wrote the text copied below. It's fictional; it's sort of what I hope I would be strong enough to do for someone someday if they needed it. It's also an homage to all of the people I know who went through this with courage and tenacity.

It takes a lot for me to get angry, and to really accept it and feel it, but cancer is on my short list. Thinking about it-- the randomness, the suffering of all involved, the whole thing, makes me so angry and makes me feel so powerless. I've learned to channel anger and sadness into writing, and sometimes, songwriting. I've been meaning to share this poem with a wider audience for a while after that night in October where I read it aloud, and thought it was finally time. The holidays aren't always the easiest time for a lot of people, and in my little corner of the world I've been feeling a lot of love this holiday season, but also a lot of grief. It's been a weird year, full of great adventures but also major losses. Reflecting back on this little poem, with its bit of anger, but also its resolution to remain steadfast and loyal in the face of the unknown and un-fixable, is a source of strength for me. It's times like these when we should gather our loved ones even closer, and forgive and forget in order to love with our whole selves. That's easier said than done. Maybe this is my reminder to myself to stay connected, maybe it's a reminder for whoever might read this. Either way, blessings and peace to you and yours.

A poem for breast cancer awareness month, October 2016

Do you know what it feels like?

Do you know its name?

Do you know where to find it,

Do you know its birthday?

We don’t like mysteries anymore.

Not the human race. We’re civilized now,

We live at a busier pace.

No time for nights spent asking the stars

What they think about all day

And what their dreams are

We don’t look for answers that way, or in the wind

We don’t reach out to hold an unsteady hand.

So then it comes to you.

This sickness,

This sickness that sickens you.

How do I fix a problem that I cannot fully understand?

How do I help you--

I cannot feel your pain.

I don't know what thoughts are yelling themselves hoarse

Inside your brain.

How do I know you’ll still be here

when I come back again?

Day after day sitting here together,

We are the still point

Of the turning whirring people-healing machinery

But we both know

Sometimes the people come, and sometimes they don’t go.

But we know at least one thing for sure.

Not the length or time frame of all this.

Not a plan or maneuver to avoid cancer’s iron fist.

No, no, it’s just this--

Every day at a quarter to four

I’ll be the one to walk through that door.

How bout I try each time, to make it close softlier than before

So not even a single click wakes you.

We both know you haven’t slept a wink.

I’ll deal out the cards for four,

One for Terry in heaven

And one for Sasha’s mom too

One for me, and one for you.

You’ll shoot the moon, I’ll rack up the points,

And we’ll laugh and laugh

And maybe you’ll have your jello, after all.

Nothing else may be, but know this to be true:

No matter the sickness, no matter the looks,

We’re in this together

And oh, how I love you.

A Bedford Christmas

We drive to the countryside in volkswagons and subarus
to raid the fridge for Cabot cheddar cheese and havarti with dill
Our quick trips to Marshalls through frosted streets
result in glorious shopping victories and thrills

Some of us prefer to start the holiday morn
with dark coffee and an egg or two
others hit the cheerios and off they go
for a solitary walk in the New England snow

The wreath needs decorating
Something fragrant and festive is baking
Bundle up now, it'll take at least three
to rearrange the living room and finally,
finally, bring in the tree

In the afternoon we'll await the Smiths
with Fiddler playing in their van and cousins galore
There'll be presents to open and roast for feasting
Music too, for violins, flute, piano, guitar, voices, clarinets and more

After every song is done, over cake and chocolates
We'll sip espresso and tea in beloved earthen mugs
Laughing and speaking of the beautiful times past,
loved ones we miss and famous shut-up sticks,
We'll feel again that warmth of family, together on Christmas, at last.


Merry Christmas, y'all.

monday in austin

Tonight jamie jams invited me to go with her to a friend's house for some food and music-making. Naturally i said, sure!, and we headed over to find a truly rad group of families and friends, young and old, playing blues tunes and good ole texan ones and bright eyes and we even rapped about getting lost in the forest. And something about wood and boy scouts.

We talked some about writing, and about moving to different parts of the country and how messed up light changes can be. I'm glad I'm not the only one who's experienced that. Coming from New England to Austin was super at first, I was a beetle soaking up all that hot rich sunshine and bursting forth into a million splendid colors. But it wore off...I had a grey day, in my head and heart, and it was abrasive to go out into that brilliant sunny day. It felt like I was doing it wrong, and I started piling guilt on myself on the days I couldn't muster my own sunshine. My rest was disturbed and my schedule went wonky, I became the most nocturnal I've ever been, only calming down and feeling focused and safe to work and write once the sun went down.

When I wrote that last song, "sunny blue", I was feeling perhaps the worst I've ever felt in response to a shit storm of life hitting the fan of that particular week. For some reason, my bad days are always Thursdays. I've almost managed to limp through the whole week, and then Thursday night it all comes crashing down. I was terribly sad and heartbroken and also pretty sick with a cold when I wrote this song. Thinking about it now, I'm amazed I was singing at all that night, but it was exactly what I needed, and this is a song I love to sing. It is melancholy and emotional but also simple and true. I could canonize the characteristics of a person I cared about, but also, be able to walk away from it knowing I had been me through the whole thing. Sometimes I get so involved with a human that myself gets lost a bit in the shuffle.

Eventually, I figured out that I would call it "sunny blue". It makes me feel okay about walking outside in the glittering sunshine when I feel a bit doom and gloom inside. The song lightens me, makes me feel hopeful, and also glad, that I got to care about a person in a real and honest way for a little while. That kind of love, or whatever you call it, is big and scary and sacred.

I hope I get to touch the edges of more of it, that big, wild love thing.

I dunno, this whole holiday season, with trees and lights and children singing, it makes me feel like there is so much love out there to grab hold of, and swing around with, laughing and laughing.

sunny blue (lyrics)

journey's over
sung all the songs that needed singin'
back to driving home every night
just a-wondering--
wondering-- wondering
why i'm still so--
blue

it's not the way you made me feel
or the way you listened
it's not the conversations i miss
oh no, it's you
it's you

my heart points north
but my wheels spin east
my brain won't stop ticking
can't find no release
i'll work all day and then the night too
if maybe, oh maybe i'll
stop thinking about you--
stop thinking about you

it's not the advice i'd seek or the
questions i know you'd answer
it's not what you gave to me that i miss
oh no -- it's you

(it's you

your blue eyes burnt pale by the snow
your calm gentle way and the love that you'd quietly show
you are a thousand simple kind gestures
wrapped up in a compact frame
and though you've experienced great pain
you still get up each morning and try
try to let new people in
--i saw that, i saw it on your face
i wanted you; i knew you were something i couldn't replace)

it's not your arms i miss
or how warm i felt with you around
oh babe, it's none of that!
none of that it's just you
just
you

safe

This one (lyrics below the rambling) is a work in progress.


In the middle of November, a few things happened in quick succession that sent me reeling. I've been experiencing grief this month, but it's not because of anyone dying. Part of it was a reaction to the election and the waves of understanding that kept rippling through my whole body about what it would mean for so many people I love who live in this country with enough fear already, and then eventually, it got to what it would mean, even for little 'ole me. But part of it was from something else.

The Thursday prior to election night, I had a very difficult day teaching. I don't talk about it much, but one of my teaching gigs with the Armstrong Community Music School sends me weekly to the SafePlace Shelter for Women and Children here in Austin. I teach music classes for the younger kids in the Child Development Center every Wednesday, and once a month I co-teach for the "big kids" on the other end of the hallway. It's my favorite part of the week, and I've come to cherish the time I get with these kids and their amazing teachers. It can be very sad though, so I internalize a lot of what I see and hear. The Charter school is for kindergarten through eighth grade, and we teach 'em all. These children come from various life and family situations, and as a visiting teacher, I don't often get to hear their stories. It's taken a little while for the teaching faculty to get to know us outsider music teachers, and they only start to share information once they know us. That week in early November was one where I got to co-teach the big kids, and sitting in the lounge afterward with a few of the teachers, we got to talking about all of our students.

Earlier in October, I had covered the Thursday classes while my co-teacher took a vacation, and I had a formed a strong connection to a student who opened up about her life circumstances during our music time. She asked me about bringing a violin for her to play because in a different life she had played in her school orchestra, and I was making plans to do this for her. A few weeks had gone by and I hadn't seen her around, so I finally asked the teachers what happened. The story of her absence was shocking and heartbreaking to me, and frankly, sent me to a place of hopelessness that I have felt most deeply in the aftermath of losing friends to tragic accidents and suicide. I hadn't visited that darkness in years, and hearing about what had happened to this sweet student ripped open old wounds. Her situation is so challenging, and I can actually imagine what hopeless and lonely thoughts are swirling around in her mind and heart, from the conversations we had. And there was pretty much nothing I could do anymore to help her, or be a force for good in her life.

I did what I had to do to take care of myself at the time, but I've been thinking for weeks now about this word: safe. What does it feel like to live never feeling safe? What does it take to feel safe with yourself? With your family members? With a romantic partner? With a friend? In your home or somewhere else? How can we actively pay attention to creating environments of safety for not only people we know and love, but people who are strangers in need? What changes in our brain chemistry and mental health when we feel safe over and over and over again, to the point where it becomes the new normal, replacing fear and terror and fight or flight reactions? How long does that take?

I had two music classes with my student before she was gone, and in that short period of time I hope she felt a glimmering of what it feels like to be safe, but I'll never really know. The uncertainty is something I don't like living with, but have to. So, I've been working on song lyrics; it's the only way I can maybe give this some closure. Verses have been spinning around somewhere back by my ears, and maybe it will turn into an anthem, or a lullaby. Can't tell yet, but I think it needs to be completed.

"safe"

we were little
it was early sunday morning
riding with our feet on the rearview mirror
blowing bubbles with grape bubblegum
driving with mom and dad
singing along

i don't remember the fighting
i don't remember the tears
i don't remember the yelling
or having any fears
at all
you see
all i ever wanted was to be safe
all i ever wanted was to be warm
and all i needed was to be loved
and i was

they asked me at school
this i remember
they pulled me out of reading
and sat me in a circle of weeping little girls
and they wanted me to be sad
but i wasn't
no, not with a happier mom
and weekends with dad playing the piano again
two christmases and too young to know any better

you see
all i ever wanted was to be safe
all i ever wanted was to be warm
all i ever wanted was to be loved
and i was

darling, i just wanna see you feel safe
see you happy and whole
see you embrace the world
be not afraid, but walk tall
you don't have to feel alone anymore

all we ever wanted was to be safe
all we ever wanted was to be warm
all we ever wanted was to be loved
and we are

more on haikus

We've been discussing poetry this month at my group dinner & discussion at Saint James Episcopal Church here in Austin. Everyone brought their favorite haiku, or wrote one to share at the beginning of group a few weeks back.

After a hectic couple of months of moving around, traveling, staying with friends, quitting jobs, starting new gigs, and somehow laughing through it all, I had found myself transported to a beautiful little converted workshop studio in Zilker Park. For six glorious weeks, Honey and I would wake up early each morning with the sun, birds and the squirrels chirruping away, and we sneak off to wander the pathways leading to the river and to barton springs. Some mornings Honey slept in so I could sneak over to the kitchen and make pot of coffee to bring along for the walk. 

Meditating on the newfound peace, calm, and focus that immediately came upon me those last days of October and first days in the workshop studio, I wrote this haiku to share with my church buds:


This morning we saw
seven turtles, three loons, and
we exhaled, at last.



What a gift! This poem showed me how calm and happy and restful time in the workshop studio proved, after a season of tumultuous movement. 

-lab

peaches - song lyrics

a song for ukulele, voice, and fruit


will you show me?
will you teach me all you know?
will you lie here, beside me, and
never let me go?

i'm not looking for a brief romance or
another tragic love affair
i've searched the whole world through and
finally, finally, i found you

there are peaches in your cheeks
huckleberries in your eyes
honeysuckle upon your brow and
ginger between your lips

will you show me?
will you teach me all you know?
will you lie here, beside me, and
never, never oh never, let me go?

election day

i haven't posted in a good long while, so to start off a revitalization of this, my little creative thoughts, poetry, and lyrics blog corner of the internet, here are three spontaneous haikus for today. Written from my perch at a computer, with voters lining up within my view, and an old texan grand-daddy guiding them through their civic duty in his beautifully patriotic-themed collared shirt and hat.


election day, november 8, 2016. for hrc.

perhaps it will be
someone smarter and kinder
to lead our country

    ***

she may wear pantsuits
each color of the rainbow
but she knows her shit

   ***

tonight drink with me
i'll bring the whiskey and fudge
we'll wait for the news


-lab