a poem from october

This past October was a busy one for Lady Jams benefit performances. A good pal of ours, fondly referred to as "band dad" put together a huge benefit evening to raise money to support the Austin Breast Cancer Resource Center, an organization that provides all manner of support to women and their families during breast cancer treatments.I had a number of long conversations with Travis leading up to the event, and eventually, he asked me if I would write a poem to read at the event. I tossed the idea around for a while and then sat down and wrote the text copied below. It's fictional; it's sort of what I hope I would be strong enough to do for someone someday if they needed it. It's also an homage to all of the people I know who went through this with courage and tenacity.

It takes a lot for me to get angry, and to really accept it and feel it, but cancer is on my short list. Thinking about it-- the randomness, the suffering of all involved, the whole thing, makes me so angry and makes me feel so powerless. I've learned to channel anger and sadness into writing, and sometimes, songwriting. I've been meaning to share this poem with a wider audience for a while after that night in October where I read it aloud, and thought it was finally time. The holidays aren't always the easiest time for a lot of people, and in my little corner of the world I've been feeling a lot of love this holiday season, but also a lot of grief. It's been a weird year, full of great adventures but also major losses. Reflecting back on this little poem, with its bit of anger, but also its resolution to remain steadfast and loyal in the face of the unknown and un-fixable, is a source of strength for me. It's times like these when we should gather our loved ones even closer, and forgive and forget in order to love with our whole selves. That's easier said than done. Maybe this is my reminder to myself to stay connected, maybe it's a reminder for whoever might read this. Either way, blessings and peace to you and yours.

A poem for breast cancer awareness month, October 2016

Do you know what it feels like?

Do you know its name?

Do you know where to find it,

Do you know its birthday?

We don’t like mysteries anymore.

Not the human race. We’re civilized now,

We live at a busier pace.

No time for nights spent asking the stars

What they think about all day

And what their dreams are

We don’t look for answers that way, or in the wind

We don’t reach out to hold an unsteady hand.

So then it comes to you.

This sickness,

This sickness that sickens you.

How do I fix a problem that I cannot fully understand?

How do I help you--

I cannot feel your pain.

I don't know what thoughts are yelling themselves hoarse

Inside your brain.

How do I know you’ll still be here

when I come back again?

Day after day sitting here together,

We are the still point

Of the turning whirring people-healing machinery

But we both know

Sometimes the people come, and sometimes they don’t go.

But we know at least one thing for sure.

Not the length or time frame of all this.

Not a plan or maneuver to avoid cancer’s iron fist.

No, no, it’s just this--

Every day at a quarter to four

I’ll be the one to walk through that door.

How bout I try each time, to make it close softlier than before

So not even a single click wakes you.

We both know you haven’t slept a wink.

I’ll deal out the cards for four,

One for Terry in heaven

And one for Sasha’s mom too

One for me, and one for you.

You’ll shoot the moon, I’ll rack up the points,

And we’ll laugh and laugh

And maybe you’ll have your jello, after all.

Nothing else may be, but know this to be true:

No matter the sickness, no matter the looks,

We’re in this together

And oh, how I love you.